Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
