I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
