need another drink. this is the easiest way
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
