I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
