tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
