I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
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