Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize