I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You smell like stripper and shame
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
