piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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