if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
