I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
