how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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