The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
