Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
