my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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