i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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