And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
