Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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