I am in a vortex of obligation.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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