that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
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