Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
