dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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