There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
