I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
