you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
