i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
