yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
