I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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