You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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