I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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