Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
