last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
