your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
