nut hugger
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
