I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
