i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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