not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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