I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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