i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
