I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
