Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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