why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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