How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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