I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
