I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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