I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
