why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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