let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
