One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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