can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
