had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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