His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I want to be your penis for a week.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
