I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
