I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
