dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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