If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
