It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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