i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
