So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
