dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
