Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
