I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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