Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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