i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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