don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
