You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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